Loving Others and Hating Yourself
by ForeverFan13
Summary: They both loved each other, but neither thought they could have the other. A Beckdam Oneshot


Adam walked through the halls of Degrassi, not daring to look up for fear of meeting the eyes of his lost love, Becky Baker. He had hoped that she could be the one. The one girl that would like him for who he truly was. But Becky had been brainwashed by her parents. At the thought of this Adam clenched a fist. I hate them. he thought. They took her away from me.

Becky walked to her locker, still emotionless from the brainwashing camp. She felt that everything was just… not right. The people there had tried to make her believe that everything that Adam was was wrong. He was an abomination. He needed to be fixed. Becky would never believe that. Becky just couldn't understand why she had thought she needed to be fixed like that. If she did need to be fixed, it would be to understand Adam. To understand him. She wanted to be able to love him now. She needed to be able to apologize and tell him how much she knew she was wrong. But she knew he would never let her into his life again. She had made him think he was wrong.

After a few weeks of seeing Becky happy in school, avoiding him at all costs, he couldn't take it anymore. He thought that burning himself had taken the pain away when he was Gracie, then it could take the pain away now. At first, it was only maybe once or twice a week, but then it got worse. He was burning every night maybe 2 or 3 times. No one was noticing. He figured no one cared. He started to develop depression. When Clare found out he was burning again, she had tried to get him to stop, but he just yelled at her. "You don't get it!" He yelled at her. "You don't get how it is to feel like nothing! That nobody loves you! You have your mom and step dad! You have your real dad and your sister! Me? I have no one! My mom is more concerned about Drew and Dallas then me! Drew has moved out! And I don't even know where my dad is most of the time! You don't get how much pain I feel! You don't get that no one can ever love me! I'm too absurd! Too wrong! You have Eli! He loves you! Becky?! Becky told me she needed to be fixed! She thought it was wrong to love me!" He screamed. Clare left him alone after that, as did Eli, angry with Adam for screaming at Clare like that.

What Adam didn't know when he was screaming at Clare was that Becky was watching. Tears rolled down her face as she listened. He was burning him self because of her. She was the reason this started. She was the reason Adam was depressed. She was the reason he thought no one could ever love him. But Becky did love him. She just couldn't have him. She thought that if Adam had to go through this physical and emotional pain because of her, she should have to go through it too. She decided to steel a few of Luke's razor blades. Then she started cutting. It hurt so bad. But at the same time the pain from losing her love lessened and she focused on this physical pain. She cut on her stomach, where no one could see. If her father found out he would be sure to be mad at her. And if he found out why, that it was for Adam, he would have a raging fit. Luke found out though, when he went into her room to ask if she knew where all of his missing razor blades were. He saw her make a cut and he saw the blood drip down her stomach. He asked what the hell she was doing. Why she had what looked like over 15 scars on her stomach. "I'm a bad person." She told Luke. "I made someone hurt themselves so I have to hurt me." She explained with tears in her eyes. Luke had asked who she had made hurt themselves. "Adam. Adam Torres." She said, tears no flowing down her cheeks. Luke seemed angry with her. He yelled at her about 'why for him' and 'he's not even a he!' Becky pushed him out of the room, throwing all the razor blades she had stolen back at him. "Here!" she held and slammed the door. At this she grabbed her scissor to make another cut. This time to her wrist. And maybe she'd cut vertically, they can't stitch that up.

Adam had been walking passed the Baker residence when Becky's screaming fit happened. Adam heard Becky scream and couldn't help but climb the balcony to see what his true love was so angry about. Adam got up there in time to see her throw what looked like razor blades at Luke who had been pushed out the door and scream at him. When Becky turned around, thankfully not noticing him, he saw all the cuts on her stomach. He saw exactly 12 scars, 5 fresh wounds, and a cut that was still bleeding. Adam couldn't believe what he was seeing. Why would she be doing this? He saw her pick up the scissor, looking like she was contemplating something. Then he saw her put the blade to her left wrist, as if she was going to cut her wrist vertically. "Becky stop!" He yelled and jumped into the room, startling Becky. He grabbed the scissors from her and through them on the ground. "Stop!" He yelled.

Becky stared wide eyed at the boy she couldn't have who was now in her room. She reached for the scissor. "I need it!" she screamed, like it was a drug she was addicted to.

Adam felt a tear roll down hi cheek, knowing the feeling she was having. This was what he felt like when he burned him self, what he had just did before he went for a walk. "Not you! No Becky! Why are you doing this?!" He asked, holding her off from trying to get the scissor from the ground.

Becky just stopped trying to get the scissor then looked back up at him. She was contemplating whether or not to tell him the truth, that she started because of him, but continued because of developing depression. "Because of-" she cut off. "I started because…. because of…. you." she said the last word so inaudibly, Adam probably didn't hear it.

Adam barely heard the last word, but he heard it none the less. "W-what?" I asked, not comprehending that her massacre on herself was because of me.

Becky stared at him. After a minute or so of that, she moved to his sleeves and rolled them up, showing all of his burn marks, along with the new ones. "I saw you yelling at Clare." she said and moved back a foot, pulling up her shirt enough to show all of her scars but nothing beyond that. She pointed to a scar that had a heart with an arrow through it drawn in red sharpie over it. "I did this that night." She told him, looking down.

Adam felt more tears stream down his cheeks. "But because of me why?" he asked. He almost said that she didn't love him but he was rethinking this thought after what Becky had just told him.

Becky sighed and looked into his eyes. "Because I love you." she said softly. "I love you and know that I can never be with you. Hurting myself is the only way I can escape the pain." She felt tears of her own streak down her cheeks.

Adam was shocked at the fact, but also knew that they could never be together. "I started again because I love you too. But I know we can't ever be together." Adam started itching his arms really severely and he knew that just burning tonight bwan't going to help him. He was done. He was done with everyone and everything except Becky Baker. "I have to go." He said taking a step back. He looked at her. "Can we have one more kiss, so that we can know this is our last?" he asked shyly.

Becky was taken aback by this, but, of course, she agreed by nodding her head. She put her arms around his neck, making him look into her eyes.

Adam felt a sudden pang in his heart as he was forced to look into those beautiful eyes. He put his hand on Becky's waist and pulled her closer. "I love you Becky Baker." he said with as much love and passion that he could muster.

Becky felt her eyes tear up. "I love you too, Adam Torres." they were so close that their breaths were mingling together.

Adam could smell her cherry lip gloss, just wanting to be smeared. Adam leaned in for the kill, putting as much passion into the kiss as he could.

Becky reciprocated this love-filled kiss with as much passion as she could give and soon her hands started wandering Adams body…

Adam kissed her much harder when he felt her hands moving around his body. He, in turn, moved his hands up and down her body.

After a while of making out, Becky was really getting into it. She walked backwards to her bed, falling on it, causing Adam to follow and almost fall on her. What she didn't know was that Luke felt bad about the whole razor blade fiasco and wanted to apologize. He walked in on an intense makeout session between his sister and, what he called, the 'he-she'. "What the hell?!" He screamed.

Adam pulled away and quickly jumped off the bed. "Uh…." he said. His heart was pounding and he was scratching his arms really hard.

Becky sat up. "Luke! What the hell! Get out leave!" She screamed at him.

Adam looked between the siblings, a scared and confused look on his face.

Becky looked at Luke, wondering what he was to say next. "Not until I beat this girl to a pulp." Luke growled and walked towards Adam.

Adam didn't know what to do. he ran over to Becky, giving her one last kiss. "Goodbye Becky Baker forever! I love you!" he said sadly running out the balcony and climbing down with Luke chasing him.

Becky started crying and ran out to her balcony. "I love you too Adam Torres!" She yelled down.

Adam ran down the road. He was running towards the school. He knew he could run faster than Luke. All he had to do was make it to the top of the school and all this pain would be over, and it wouldn't be ended by some homophobic bastard Soon he was to the school and started climbing up the ladder that led to the roof. Luke was still close behind him. Once he made i up he started to try to unhinge the ladder but it wouldn't move and Luke was getting loser. He knew it was now or never. He walked to the edge and looked out. "I love you Becky Baker." He whispered and leaned forward. His decent towards the cement started and he then realized that this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to die. Becky and him could run away together and stay together forever. But it was too late. He hit the ground. He was gone and couldn't come back.

Becky went downstairs and got the phone book. He searched in it and finally found the number she was looking for. Torres, Audra. She called and when a feminine vice answered with a tired and annoyed hello, Becky started crying. "Mrs. Torres?" She asked sadly. "I think Adam is in trouble." She told her.

Audra Torres had been up late that night talking to her eldest son about how he needed to get back into school and wondering where her youngest son was, but figured he would be back in the morning- he always was. Audra hadn't expected a phone call at 1 in the morning saying that Adam was in trouble. "Who is this?" Audra asked the mysterious caller who was crying.

Becky tried catching her breath then said quickly, "Becky Baker."

Audra's eyes widened. "Ok, Becky, why do you think Adam is in trouble?" she asked.

"Well, A-adam was over m-my house and we w-were…..uh….. hanging out wh-when my b-brother walked in. He doesn't e-exactly, uh, agree w-with who Adam is. He th-threatened to b-beat Adam up then ch-chased him out of my h-house. I'm a-afraid Adam is g-going to get h-hurt." Becky was now crying even harder.

Audra looked around, not knowing what to do. "Do you have any idea where they were headed?" she asked.

"I-I think they w-were heading t-towards the s-school." Becky told Mrs. Torres.

Audra got a light bulb. "I have to call Adam's brother. Are you alone? Do you want me to come and get you?" she asked, worried for the crying girl on the other line of the phone.

Becky nodded, though Audra couldn't see her. "Please could you?" she said, continuing to cry.

"Ok, I will be over in a minute or two, I just have to make a call." Audra said frantically, hanging up. She then grabbed her cell phone and called her eldest son, Drew. When he answered with an annoyed 'What is it mom?' Audra frantically said, "Drew! Go to the school! Your brother is in trouble!" she told him. Drew said a quick ok and went outside, running towards the school. He had no idea what was going on but his brother was in trouble, and that did not sit well with him.

Becky sighed with relief when a car pulled into her driveway and honked. She ran outside and got into the car and buckled up. "Are we g-going to the s-school?" she asked and Audra nodded her head.

Drew ran as fast as he could then ran into Luke Baker, Becky Baker's homophobic hockey player brother. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't think he would do that! I just thought he was trying to get away!" He told me with tears streaming down his cheeks. Drew opened his eyes wide. "Where? Where is he?!" He screamed at Luke. Luke turned around and ran to where Adam was. "H-he jumped. I didn't think he would kill himself." Luke cried, sitting on the ground, hugging his knees, and rocking back and forth. Drew sank to his knees next to Adam's life-less body. "No!" He screamed, "Wake up! Your too young for this!" Drew was crying harder than he ever had before in his entire life. He shook his head. "Call an ambulance!" he yelled at Luke who quickly grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and shakily called an ambulance, telling them what happened.

Becky and Audra made it to the school quickly. The sight before them was the worst thing they had ever imagined. "Adam!" Becky screamed, jumping out of the car and running over to his side. "No Adam! Wake up!" She screamed, shaking him. It didn't work. A few seconds later the ambulance showed up. Drew moved and they checked his pulse. Dead. Adam Torres was dead. Becky Baker's true love was gone.

Audra Torres' youngest son was gone.

Drew Torres' only brother was gone.

Eli Goldsworthy's best friend was gone.

Clare Edward's best friend was gone.

One of Degrassi's top students was gone.

A child was dead.

Becky wouldn't let the medics take Adam away. She was hugging him and holding his body tightly to hers. "No!" She screamed at the medics. By this time Bianca was at the scene with Drew and Eli and Clare had come because Clare had heard something going on at the school.

This wasn't what she expected.

After a while they finally got Adam from Becky and Becky's parents were their, comforting their son and trying to comfort Becky who just walked away from the scene. Clare and Eli tried comforting her but she just pushed them away. "I hate Romeo and Juliet!" She said loudly to everyone at the scene.

The next day, a school day, everyone who didn't already know in the school was told in an assembly. Some people were crying, most of them claiming he was a great friend when they barely even knew him. Eli was asked to say some words about him. He started his first sentence, "Adam Torres-" then broke down crying and Clare had to take him off the stage. Counseling was given to anyone who wanted it.

Becky took it the worse, besides Adam's family. she left the church, saying that if there was a god, he would have kept Adam alive. She graduated with the lowest grades she could get but still passing the next year. She refused to go to college. Every night she would got to the roof of Degrassi to talk to Adam. He never responded, he wasn't exactly capable of doing so anyway. Becky stopped cutting because Adam had told her to stop when they spoke for the last time. She got the words _Adam Torres _tattooed on her right arm and the words _One Last Kiss, to Know This is Our Last _on her back. Becky fell apart after Adam left. She became a bartender and stayed in Toronto, refusing to go back with her parents to Florida when Luke and her graduated. She developed insomnia and never ever had another boyfriend or kissed another person. She didn't think Adam would want that.

Audra moved to the states. She couldn't handle being in that city anymore, knowing her son had died there. She cried every night and spoke to Drew every day.

Drew got permission from his mother to marry and they did, 5 years later. Becky was Bianca's Maid of Honor. Eli was Drew's best man. Drew and Bianca's first boy was named Adam and their first girl Becky.

Eli went on to right a book about a superhero who's name by day was Adam Serrot and by night Exipnos (Greek word for smart.) It became a best seller and was dedicated to Adam Torres, who was his best friend until the end.

Clare and Eli got married and had a boy named Aiden and a girl named Cecelia. Clare was a stay at home mother until her and Eli got a divorce then became the head reporter for the New York Times.

Luke became the goalie for the New Jersey Devils hockey team and never got married. He carried the guilt around of Adam's death with him for the rest of his life.

Drew and Bianca's son Adam looked so much like Adam it hurt Becky to se him when he grew up. He became a world-renowned scientist by finding the cure for cancer.

Adam's suicide hurt everyone but Becky Baker could never stop loving him. She never moved on. Until she died at age 78 she continued to go to the roof top where Adam jumped and talk to him. It was hard for everyone.

Becky Baker and Adam Torres were in love but neither thought they could have the other. They loved each other, but hated themselves.


End file.
